To Those Who Care
by IHaveNoSoul13
Summary: Why I might find it hard to update and stuff.
1. Chapter 1

Dear those who care, follow/have 'favourited' me or know me.

I do not have writer's block. I've loads of ideas for fanfictions, but not for any that I am currently writing (other than Blue Silence).

But this isn't the main highlight.

I'm struggling to maintain a social life (not that I have one - most of my friends don't give a fuck about me, and those that do I don't see often for differing reasons), write fanfiction, try to write First Blood, get an education, go to Church Youth on Sunday, make sure my parents don't get shitty with me for different reasons, not worry about terrorists (seriously. I am an extreme worrier. When Dad wasn't home and the door was locked - usually is - and he took ages and the dog was there, I was worrying he'd been killed or kidnapped), try to not beat up anyone, contain my anger, contain my sorrow, smile, not storm out of class and more that I can't be bothered to list.

I have gotten addicted to depression quizzes at least twice, have taken a few anxiety quizzes and a couple paranoia quizzes.

Guess what. They said 'severe depression', 'moderate anxiety' and said I may have paranoia. I took the NHS quiz, and it agreed with the aforementioned results.

I almost had a cigarette - I wasn't able to have one because my 'friend' said she wasn't able to get any. Bullshit.

I have overwhelming desires to self harm and have considered suicide. I feel weak for not doing it. I feel weak if I don't do certain things.

I'm realising how crap my primary school (English kid here, how do you do America/other countries I can't be arsed to mention?) was - they did bullshit to help me with my anger, one of the teachers _bullied_ me by calling me (last name)ege. The boys noticed this annoyed me, and called me it for ages - they still do roughly three years on.

And because I made a YouTube channel, I was pretty much mocked by one of my favourite Year 6 teachers (and laughed at by the year group AND the three teachers), and my teacher pretty much gave me atelophobia (search it up).

Of course, such a past has affected me in a negative way - I tend to be more violent, sensitive and depressed. I'm scared to tell my friend (who's popular, pretty and tall - you'd be surprised at the effect that has on people) that I don't want to be friends with her. This is because if I do, I worry she'll spread rumours about me, and then life will get worse.

My Nan, who has dementia, is getting worse - last week, she said to my mother and I, "Who should I shoot first?" She then, this week, got shitty with me while I was showering and threatened to give me a black eye. She's also being somewhat racist to one of her nurses, who is German, and, as a result, from Monday, we aren't going to see that nurse again. And she's one of the nicest people I've met.

I can't sleep anymore - the best I've had was roughly the average, and that's really rare for me. Mostly I get five, four or three hours sleep.

At least once a fortnight, I get no sleep one night.

Hm.

So yeah, to keep within the rules, adding a short story.

* * *

 _ **Where I Stand**_

I hoped they hoped for our safe return - I say 'our' for I am not alone; Neuro, Cole, Karloff and Gravis came with me on this mission - and, despite all that happened, with every step which (seemed to, not actually) lead us down the path of certain death, though I knew this was false.

Trust me when I tell you that we five were lucky - Ash, Jacob, Clouse (believe it or not, he had redeemed himself, he'd become a teenager, he became very close to Lloyd and Jay and had come with us), Tokikita and Camille had not been so. Ash, Jacob and Camille were the ones who died; Clouse and Toxikita hid, and have not returned - we can tell by the lack of their corpses.

I clutched my katana to me, gun placed in my belt pockets. A sneeze made me jump, and I spun around. I suppose Neuro hadn't fully healed from his fever the day prior, and Karloff pulled him closer. Cole shrugged at me. "Keep going. We'll all be weaker if we stop moving. And I wouldn't suggest carrying him, Karloff, it could slow you down."

"Calm down Kai - Neuro doesn't weigh a lot. It won't slow him down that much." Cole frowned, and gave the Metal Master a quick nod to give him permission.

They attacked. Karloff placed Neuro down quickly and began to fight any that came near the two. Cole and I fought the rest, merciless.

 _These are the people who killed my friends... Sensei Wu... My parents._

I fought quickly, stabbing and shooting at them, watching the blood flow.

Pain.

Blood.

Stained clothes.

Hole in the stomach.

Screams.

Falling.

Being caught.

Last words.

... Darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

Almost 5am here.

You might be surprised to hear that my teachers who, in a way, bullied me were males. Yet the students are of both gender, which kind of hurts - it's like neither gender wants me, so what can I be?

Does that make sense?

nindroidzane: Thanks, but I can't really control my urges, and one day I might just... snap. Thanks for the hug.

HailsStorm: I suppose, in a way, I should be used to it. I do know the consequences, but smoking and dying of lung cancer sounds better than living. I'm not sure where it came from, but it definitely didn't just appear. And it's back in my primary; I haven't attended that school for two years now; I know they do it for a reaction (you'd be surprised how many have told me that), but I can't help but react. Hm.

Kai's Girlfriend: Wow. Good start. Almost made me laugh. I will definitely listen to it. The trouble with Asperger's AND possible depression is that you hate how different you are because of your disorder. I doubt they meant any harm. Threatened to shoot me and my mother as well. I too hope that I can smile without being burdened by the possible severe depression that holds me by chains. Damn metaphors or whatever.

Windy: I know. I think some of use this to escape from reality to this little world of writing. Wow. I force down my food because if I don't, my mother will ask why I'm not eating. I understand that. Thanks for the encouragement and offer.

iluvninjagoTNSBFWgirl: I truly hope that your predictions are true. However, I am going to meet people like that. Perhaps I shall become more accustomed to it and I shall not care as much. Perhaps the present shall numb me. I don't want that happening - that would be a worse case scenario. And I don't consider many family. I have my mother, my father, my mother's parents (but sometimes it feels as if their love is forced, not willing), my half brother, his girlfriend and, perhaps, her children. I have an aunt and two uncles, but my aunt and her husband and family don't do anything, and my other uncle, I'm not really sure. And those I consider family, like my best friend, I feel like they don't care for me. I'll try.

Okay, so I'm not going to give you a short story, I'm going to give you a song.

* * *

 _ **Guns for Hands**_

I know what you think in the morning,

When the sun shines on the ground,

And shows what you have done,

It shows where your mind has gone,

And you swear to your parents,

That it will never happen again,

I know, I know what that means, I know.

That you all have guns,

And you never put the safety on,

And you all have plans,

To take it, to take it,

Don't take it, take it, take it.

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

But I can't, but I can't when you all have,

Guns for hands, yeah

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

But I can't, but I can't when you all have,

Guns for hands, yeah

Let's take this a second at a time,

Let's take this one song, this one rhyme,

Together, let's breathe,

Together, to the beat,

But there's hope out the window,

So that's where we'll go,

Let's go outside and all join hands,

But until then you'll never understand.

That you all have guns,

And you never put the safety on,

And you all have plans,

To take it, to take it,

Don't take it, take it, take it.

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

But I can't, but I can't when you all have,

Guns for hands, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Hey, hey, hey ,hey, hey, hey.

La da da da da.  
 _[4x]_

We've turned our hands to guns, trade in our thumbs for ammunition,

I must forewarn you, of my disorder, or my condition,

'Cause when the sun sets, it upsets what's left of my invested interest,

Interested in putting my fingers to my head,

The solution is, I see a whole room of these mutant kids,

Fused at the wrist, I simply tell them they should shoot at this,

Simply suggest my chest and this confused music,

It's obviously best for them to turn their guns to a fist.

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,

But I can't, but I can't when you all have,

Guns for hands, yeah.

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep,But I can't, but I can't when you all have,

Guns for hands, yeah.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys.

So yeah.

I'm now falling asleep in class and drinking tea to stay awake.

The latter is typical Brit, eh?

Family life - shitty. Nan's in hospital (something to do with her leg), my mother's parents are ill, my half brother's father has passed away, my 'best friend' is complaining about her life and self harming (and overreacting), I'm probably on the edge of giving up on life, my father doesn't do shit to help, my mother's really stressed (and yells a lot now, which terrifies me), I'm becoming colder and more depressed and, I saved the best still last, school is giving me a thousand shoves toward self harm and suicide each day.

School life - shitty. I'm now having to go see a teacher for homework monitoring every lunch time, homework is flooding in like a tsunami, my teachers are expecting too much of me, friends are seeming to leave me (even though they aren't actually), the teachers and office don't realise bullshit, headaches, chest aches, arm aches, leg aches and many other aches are coming at random times and are worsening, I'm falling asleep, I'm not doing homework and because of it teachers make me feel like bullshit and, finally, the lessons are just too much.

I suppose you're the only ones keeping me alive, aside from the few friends I have left, but even now...

Kai's Girlfriend: I've found many songs (Here's the link, get rid of the spaces to get on it:

www.

youtube.

com/

playlist?

list=

PLV1gIh

qpe4cgSx

1IDA0ka30

eCarpkcpki)

Thanks I suppose. Oh, and that's kind of my life. :/ Again, thanks. And it was really one teacher. Most of the other teachers did it no more than four times. And it was mostly the students. Back at primary, it was just the males, and the females just didn't hang around with me. Now it's both. Back at primary, we didn't know. Lol.

Windy: Thanks, though I doubt this is a one time thing. Again, thanks. It was really back at primary, and the teachers here don't mean it. Though my Science teacher once made a comment after he caught me reading. I've been bullied as long as I can remember.

Kairocksrainbow: Thanks, lol.

SwimmerNinja13: Thanks, and I understand. I see... Thanks.

HiroKaiMarc: Okay, thanks.

Thanks to all of you - I'm surprised I haven't got a review saying I should stop whining about my life. You know how often that happens to others?

Okay, short story.

This is one is a crossover between Steven Universe and Ninjago. Will contain depressing themes and OOC characters. First two words named after a 100 word story I wrote for a competition.

* * *

 ** _Crimson Red and Smoke Grey_**

A fascinating colour of red, blood was, why, there was a colour called 'blood red', though the real thing was a mix of crimson and blood red, with a touch of garnet and ruby.

Sour Cream seemed to have memorised the colour after seeing it shed from his skin so damn often while he was in his room, though it was sometimes swaying - probably due to the tears that filled his eyes every time the colour started appear under the razor. He'd sometimes taste it, before spitting it out in disgust. Damn, what had led him to such a thing?

Perhaps his step father Yellowtail's pressure on him? The man wanted his step son to become a fisherman - despite the teen's aspirations to become a DJ and that he hated fish - and Sour Cream loathed him for it. Perhaps it was his mother's seemingly lack of love for him? She had Onion to look after, and perhaps she thought Sour Cream could look after himself, but even before that, she seemed to have this slight dislike for him - did he look like his father too much? Was it the expectations of him to be the best half brother to Onion he could be? His friends' accidental pressure of him to be an awesome, or cool, friend? His own pressure for him to be the best DJ in Beach City? The fact that his father was in Beach City, probably ordering a doughnut as he stared out the window?

Maybe it was more.

He wrapped his arms in bandages, throwing the razor to the corner it lived in, and slumped back down on his bed. Oh, what he'd do to be a careless child again who could jump on the bed and not care unless he fell off.

He cocooned under the covers, hoping for a nice rest.

Nice wasn't really there in his life any more.

* * *

Oh blood, such a beautiful colour with a horrible story, a lament, blood's lament.

Jamie was silent as he stared at his fresh cut, a grimace mixed with a sad smirk on his face.

How ever would he hide this one?

His parent or his mother - his father left when he was but a toddler - was clueless, but she'd find out if she saw even a small part of this one.

He pursed his lips as he clutched his bloody arm to his chest and ran back to the mail department. "Hey, Barb, you don't have any bandages, do ya?" He winced as he asked.

"Why?" Reluctantly he revealed the cut that went half way up his arm from his elbow. "How did you do that?!"

"Cut it on a rock." He lied.

Cut it on a knife more like.

* * *

Blood is so interesting, another form of crying, and, unlike tears, humans craved to see it, especially during conflict.

Lars completed the self harming trio with scars and bruises and burns on his thighs.

He clenched his fists. He would have loved to say that he was hiding it from his parents, that his parent were the cause.

His parents had abandoned him three years ago, and it was his own insecurities and emotions that caused these burns.

He was quiet, he always was at home, and looked at his legs before drawing them into a tight hug.

He proceeded to cry.

Lars, Lars was not one to cry, but this was a special occasion.

Lars had realised that he couldn't feel any more pain.

Numb.

* * *

First you light it with the fire that you wish to ignite again, then you inhale the fumes, making you remember when you had that from the flame inside you, and then exhale, reminding you of the bitter time you blew it out.

Kai drew the cigarette away from his mouth, watching the smoke leave his lips. He coughed a little, but continued to smoke it, until it had reached its end. He crushed it and dropped it over the edge of the ship.

He ignored the somewhat annoyed stare Jay gave him as he exhaled in the older boy's face, smoke wrapping itself around the two.

Kai chuckled. Jay scowled. It should have been the other way around.

"You know what's that's going to do your lungs, right?"

"Yep. I did go to school Jay."

"Oh? You seem pretty dumb in spite of that then."

"As if you can talk."

Kai went silent afterwards, and a few hours later, he departed outside. He growled as he glared at the cigarette packet, taking one of the stupid little buggers out, lighting it and placing it in his mouth.

He continued with what he usually did.

Smoked.

* * *

It's the mind's choice, in a way, and smoking is a thing one will constantly debate as a teenager - some give in.

Neuro sat in the flat he shared with Karloff, Shadow and Griffin, hand itching for a cigarette. Alas, they had run out, so Karloff was out buying them for him.

Could Neuro not wait any longer? No.

He was quiet, eyes at the floor. He loved cigarettes, smoked a dozen per day, but they were the reason they were low on cash. Neuro couldn't stop buying them, or getting Karloff to buy them anyway, mainly because he refused to quit.

Yes, I agree, this particular fourteen year old, who we thought smart, is pretty stupid. Worry not, it is only the affect of the cigarettes.

Shadow cast a pitying glare at Neuro, pitiful for the addiction Neuro had taken up (and the reason) but glaring because of the situation they were in because of hi- it.

Not him.

Karloff returned with the cigarettes - he'd threatened to buy Neuro a pacifier ("Suck on that, idiot.") so Neuro was glad it was an empty threat - and threw them to the boy. "There."

Neuro gave a smirk before opening the packet, rolling one up and preparing to smoke it.

"Smoke it on the balcony, idiot - you'll set off the smoke alarm!" Shadow swore under his breath as Griffin yelled. Neuro rolled his eyes and stepped outside on the balcony.

He loved cigarettes, he knew it, and he loved dropping it on the person below's balcony, just to infuriate them.

He'd never give smoking up. Even if it killed him.

* * *

Usually spurred on by peer pressure or whatnot, teenagers are the target audience.

Clouse was too old for this shit. He dropped the cigarette, almost involuntarily, onto the stone on their island and crushed it.

"CLOUSE!" Chen yelled as he saw his remaining pupil do it again. "You shouldn't smoke any more!"

Clouse just took the bullshit and the lecture, like he always did, but, ironically, took out a cigarette, rolled it and smoked it while he was listening. This was normal.

Chen never realised he was not going to get anywhere with Clouse.

He wouldn't leave him alone.

Clouse leant against the walls of the dojo they lived in, sliding down to sit.

He eyed the cigarette in his mouth and, taking it out, breathed a sigh of sorrow and relief.

He was too old for this shit.

* * *

Razors.

* * *

Knives.

* * *

Flames.

* * *

Smoke.

* * *

Addictions.

* * *

Loneliness.

* * *

One day it'll kill them.

One day it'll kill me.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been over a month...

Yeah...

Life isn't better.

Trust me, I was on the verge of committing suicide twice, a rumour's been spread about me and I feel like everyone hates me.

These girls, they've done this before, they wanted to walk home with me after school. This may seem nice but they wouldn't leave although I'd said I didn't want them to, they recorded me and were basically bitches toward me, pretending to push me over and even trying to steal my school bag twice, claiming they need it more.

My Nan, my father's mother, tried to take a chocolate after I'd asked Mum over the phone if I and my friend could have one and I told her no... She got violent and held up a fist. Not sure about my dad's father.

My mother's parents' age are getting to them - Granddad is getting confused and forgetful and Nan had a cancer in her pancreas I think. Sometimes Mum will go up there and visit and I, Dad and Nan will be left at home. Things go wrong without Mum, and then when she gets back, she and Dad argue because he hasn't done the washing up or walked the dog or whatever and it's really depressing.

I'm not sleeping well at all - my average is four or five hours now. I fell asleep in History, slept throughout the whole lesson and no one could wake me up. If I had a pound every damn time someone offered me advice I'd be fucking rich.

I recently got into an argument with one of my school friends - male - and this carried out into Science. I had this test tube holder with a base and held it over my shoulder (I don't know why) and I was kicking my friend... The base hit someone in the head and apparently they're in the opposite and could have brain damage.

Somehow this turned into 'I hit someone on the head and gave them brain damage' or 'I tried to hit someone with the base for no apparent reason and hit this person over the head and gave them brain damage' and I think one time it was 'I tried to kill someone'.

It's not funny - another one of my friends refused to work with me because he thought I was going to hit him with a chair.

Honestly, now only my best friend, E7 and a couple other people can make me smile genuinely - the 'couple other people' group is slowly getting smaller.

I don't know why I had the test tube holder over my shoulder. I don't know why I was holding it to be honest or why I needed it.

My family doesn't feel like a family anymore. Home is hell, school is hell and role-plays and Fanfiction are an escape.

I feel more depressed than ever.

On the bright side, my best friend and I are near completion of planning Crystal Kids, and I'm writing another Ninjago fanfiction. I watched Season 6. It was good. Hoping for some angst, perhaps what it's like being trapped inside the sword.

Or some Elemental Masters (*cough* Neuro *cough* Griffin *cough* Karloff *cough* Shadow *cough* Make them live together *cough*). That'd be awesome.

That was written a while ago by the way.

So yeah...

I can't write a short story.


	5. Chapter 5

_Whenever I jump for joy,_

 _For whatever joyous thing I found,_

 _My depression is always there,_

 _To always pull me down._

 _Whenever I feel joy again,_

 _And feel like I have won,_

 _My depression is always there_

 _To tell me the game's not yet done._

 _My face and eyes hold many lies,_

 _My depression will never show._

 _My depression is always there,_

 _My depression will never go._

...

You know what's like? To be told by a family member, my grandmother (my father's mother) in my case, that you're uglier than her, fatter than her, lazy, a bitch, a sod, a tart, that you're going to fail your exams and generally be insulted by her? And then have to face your mother's complaints of how she always does the jobs and that Dad and I are lazy and never do anything and then have Dad complain and yell and tease you? To have people who used to be strangers (only two of which you like) coming in and seeing the person who causes the stress that causes your problems? And then having to go to a school of bad memories and be teased, picked on, bullied and hated just for being you? And not knowing whether any of your friends actually like you and are just there because they pity or secretly hate you? And being scared that everything you do or say will get you into trouble or more hated or even both? Hating yourself because you talk too much or talk too little or smile too much or cry too much or yell too much or hurt too many people or not trusting anyone or wanting to kill the one who causes your problems or imagining hurting others or being different or not being good enough? And then you come home, talk to your online friends who may or may not understand and write things that you know no one will like because you have no talent?

If you do, then you must be living the exact same life as me.

And we all know that's impossible.

My Nan was calling me a bitch and a sod and a tart and saying that I was being paid to look after her and that I was lazy and fat and ugly.

School's the last thing I need.

Still, got to get that education.

Good news - in two weeks (29/02/16 in case anyone reads this after the next chapter is up) it'll be my birthday. Bad news - the very next day, I have to hand in my options sheet which has the potential to define my life and if I fail my exams I'll probably fail at life... More than I already have.

Nan's screaming in pain (this is constant and loud) as I write this.

No pleasing some people.

Anyway, this is going to be short.

I'm gonna upload an extract from my new Ninjago fanfiction When the Darkness Comes (may later be renamed A Small Soul) and the description.

* * *

 _ **When the Darkness Comes/A Small Soul**_

 _Description:_

 _"I don't remember standing up, but, then again, I don't remember falling down. I don't remember waking up but, then again, I don't remember falling asleep." Maybe it's better to forget. Rated T for reasons, originally a one-shot._

Sit down on the chair - the floor might be hollow or dirty or infested - and follow my instructions.

Put on the clothes I set out - black trousers that will hang loosely from your body, a black shirt for you to tuck in, black trainers, black socks and a black balaclava - and don't question the choice of clothing. You'll need it.

Put on the gloves, leather and black.

There are bags in the kitchen, take them and take all the food, drinks and anything else you can find after you close the curtains. Turn off the lights too, make it seem like no one is ever coming home - this house is

abandoned and we want it to seem like such.

There's a car outside. There's a gun, sword and shield in there. I guarantee someone will see you, so you better think fast and kill them. Don't bother hiding them, don't touch them, take the weapon. Kill them with the sword.

You'll find me at this address, kid.

 _I told you not to call me that._

I know what you'll say, and have you looked in the mirror?

You look ten. Lucky you, unable to remember a thing other than your Element.

 _It's an Element?_

Questions later. Answers even later. Right now, you need to get driving. You're young, but at this time in the morning, or night, no one will be driving.

That's why you have the balaclava - best you wear the sunglasses in the car, since your eyes are differently coloured and more easy to recognise.

 _Smartass._

I suffer from a large ego. Hurry up.

 **fucKer you'll never know my nAme. don't ask bItch.**

 _You're not very subtle, are you?_

 _Gone so soon?_

 _I liked him._

Shut the fuck up.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi...

Everything's gone down hill...

I lost some good friends, life's a bitch and I've come close to suicide twice this month - 03/04/16 and 12/04/16. Ten days ago and yesterday.

When I say I've come close, I mean I sat near the cliff edge, waiting for courage to jump, and I've stood on the curb, a teacher having to come up to stop me.

I'm listening to songs that now upset me but I can't stop because I listen to songs I relate to.

I'm being called pathetic, rude, stupid...

If only they knew.

My parents don't know about how I'm depressed or suicidal and no one else does.

A couple of people know but I don't need their help.

This will of course cause me to struggle to write, since my mind will drift off into the reasons why I've lost friends or attempted suicide and it'll trigger me.

Yeah...

I can't be bothered to write a one-shot so... Yeah...


	7. Chapter 7

In response to Guest (who reviewed on Chapter Six), I decided to post this. (To those who read WDC, I am writing Chapter Ten as of now)

Changing schools wouldn't make a difference - about ten people of my Facebook friends don't hate me, and the other schools are shitty. I don't think there's any summer camps in England, but Mum and I are going on a Church weekend away.

Despite everything, I have a bit going for me - I have friends (though I sometimes don't get on with them and one of them said something that triggered me on Tuesday) and I'm young. Plus I have some sort of skill in writing.

The thing is, I don't want to worry them - the family is going through a lot at the moment (my mother's parents are ill and she has to deal with that and my father is more... angry and easy to upset), and telling them now would be bad timing. Plus, there's a lot I'm hiding from them and I'm not ready to tell them.

I've told my friend on the Internet who is suffering from it as well (well, we have different situations and problems to add to it) and he tried to cheer me up but I was in one of my dark moments (which are occurring more than before) and it didn't really comfort me.

My parents don't neglect me, I assure you. We have our squabbles but we have that love for each other. But on Sunday, I stopped loving my dad for a few hours, and Tuesday, well everything went out the window. Two people know about how Tuesday was a suicide attempt, well, besides you guys.

My mother said to me a while ago (over a year ago now) that the bullies wouldn't insult me if they knew.

I would tell someone, but everyone has their own, more important problems, and they don't need to know mine.

I think I'll listen to that song sometime.

I'm on Tumblr, if you guys care, as ihavenosoul12 (13 was taken, I usually use 13 because it's my favourite number).

Thanks guys, for listening and giving advice.


	8. Chapter 8

So... Wednesday... I tried to kill myself again... Joy, eh?

Some good shit is happening but I suppose that's life's way of punishing me for attempting it, as I can barely go through the day and not think about it.

Anyway, ma'am asked to speak to me and she said I 'couldn't do that because she might lose her job and I had to think about that before going out onto the curb'.

I'm basically being scolded for being depressed and suicidal and told, 'don't try to kill yourself because I need my job'.

Yes she doesn't know but why would I tell her when she says stupid shit like that?!

Fucking adults...

I also hit my ex-friend with a book - twice. Got isolation the following day but I was happier than I'd been for a few weeks. I regret nothing.

That's it.

I can't think of a short story to write so... Yeah...


	9. Chapter 9

Hey guys...

I'm sorry. I nearly... died (I'm pretty sure you know how) and everything's been going downhill. My anxiety, depression and anger issues are really playing up, not that school and everything at home's helping.

I just want to... escape. And you know how I mean that.

I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to ignore the urges, but I keep wearing hairbands on my wrist (which causes agony for me, it's my way of harming myself) to hurt myself until I finally pick up that nice and do it properly. This angers my friends, and one even dared to say that I was doing it to get out of P.E. One questioned why I did it and I replied, "Because I can." It's because I can't stop.

I'm a fucking failure, I know.

I also forgot my mother's birthday and she got shitty with me understandably.

And now we have the news that I'm on the ASD spectrum and everything's just stressing me out.

I suppose I've made new friends thanks to a Skype chat I joined in the early days of the month.

I've really been struggling with When the Darkness Comes. And every other goddamn fanfiction I'm writing. I don't know what it is.

I don't want to give up on any of them. I just have ideas for future parts, and whenever I try to write, all of this goddamn self criticism comes to my head, saying it's shit, it's useless, give up, get rid of it, they don't care, they don't like your writing, they don't like you, no one likes you, you've made too many mistakes.

It keeps saying I'm a mistake.

I just want out, guys. You can understand that, right? I know what you'll say, you'll tell me to be strong, that there's hope for me yet, that it'll get better if I wait.

I've been waiting and nothing has happened. If anything, it's gotten worse. My friends won't let my past mistakes go, they keep making fun of me (I know they're joking but it's not funny) and I can just see what they think of me.

I keep hurting people, I keep getting angry and I can't stop it. The voices are telling me to kill myself so I won't hurt anyone anymore. They aren't like speaking voices, they're thoughts but they're like voices. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and only my death can stop that.

This isn't my suicide note. I'm not brave enough to go and do it. Not yet anyway.

It's just an explanation for why I'm not updating. I'm sorry... I hope none of you got too hopeful, thinking, "Finally, they're going to do it."

Also, a quick note.

I think I'm genderfluid. I think I'm genderqueer. One of the two. So, if you could refer to me as he/they and not she, that'll be great.

It'll really make my day sort of better.

Thanks for reading.


	10. Chapter 10

Hi.

Have any of you wanted to kill a certain family member?

I have.

It's a pretty horrible feeling, and now it's been replaced with the want to kill myself, which, in all honesty, scares me more than the first. Well, maybe not replaced. Maybe drowned out by that feeling, because I still want to kill that family member. My Nan. My Dad's mother.

I was six years old when she moved in with her cat, which died years ago now. She had dementia, but I was a kid. I didn't know. I didn't see anything other than a family full of love and normal family issues, because I was a naïve little girl who had big dreams and a bigger heart. She's dead too. She's been replaced by an agender teenager who knows that dreams don't come true and no one gives a fuck about how big your heart is.

I'm getting off track. I didn't really see anything for three years, until my mother and I moved out because of her and fear that my dad would become horrible. I remember the day she told him about our . He came in, quiet, and I asked her if she had told him - and she said yes. Those words still speak in my ears and I remember seeing the car and him getting out. I grew up that day. But I didn't exactly change either.

I continued to live my life, and since my mother worked, I had to go to my dad's house. They never divorced. They were still married, but I think they might of well have been divorced.

I must have been nine. I remember being passed a piece of paper by my Nan, and it said that Dad was going to kill her and I needed to stop him. I can't remember how she told me to stop him. But until you have been placed in that position, you do not know true fear. You think you've seen scary shit, you try watching your family tear apart but still hold on, trying to fake perfection, arguing, screaming. You try being a child, not even into the double digits, and having to try to be happy but having to deal with someone you once loved turning into a crazy, abusive bitch.

My Nan hit me for not giving her chocolate, threatened to give me a black eye and asked me and my mother who I should shoot first. She gave my mother a bruise on her cheek and tried to kill my dad. She ate all the food in the house, she screamed, she ripped us apart.

I was nine years old when I started to see. I was six years old when she came.

I was a goddamn child. I was not ready.

It turned me into who I am today - an agender, fucked up, depressed, anxious, suicidal, homicidal, aggressive, untrusting, near friendless bitch. I am scared that one of our family, my father, my mother or myself, will hurt someone else, my father, my mother or myself. I am scared they'll hit me. I am scared they'll yell at me. I am scared they'll hate me.

But I'm more scared of hurting them, yelling at them, hating them.

... Sometimes my family feels so... hateful. That we don't love each other, only like or stand each other. That we don't truly know each other. I hide so many secrets from them - my interests, my real gender, my depression, my anxiety, everything that you, absolute strangers, know - because I feel like they won't accept me. It builds up as stress, the secrets I have to hide just to feel loved, and the stress of keeping them secret and not yelling them out in fits of rage stresses me out more, and the stress turns into depression. Into anger. Into hatred.

And that has got to come out. So I live my days, trying to hold back all the hatred, all the anger, all the depression, which stresses me out more.

You want to know something hilarious?

This is because my Nan moved in. Something so tiny. Another family moving into our house and not leaving until over six years later (she's in a home permanently now). She moved in, and it FUCKED UP MY LIFE. I could have been so much happier.

But no. I have become depressed, anxious and suicidal, have attempted suicide at least five times within a year, I've lost nearly all my friends and now I'm crying and telling you my life story. And my parents don't even fucking know.

Have you ever wanted to kill a family member? Or a friend? Or someone you know?

Have you ever wanted to just take the goddamn knife and stab them until they stop living? Have you ever wanted to strangle them until they don't live?

So what do you do when that person is also you?


	11. Chapter 11

I want to die. I haven't been triggered, I don't think. I've been an asshole. Someone should kill me, or I should kill myself, so I can no longer burden this world with my horrible comments, useless contributions and asshole personality. I want to die so people only remember the act I put on - a person who hurt, enjoyed others' pain, felt little if any pain and was so easy to hate.

I want everyone to hate me so if I die, no one will mourn me, or so that they will rejoice even. Either would be good.

If I am to learn how to drive, it would be so that I can crash the car, kill myself and have it look like an accident.

I can feel people who consider me a friend - whether the feeling is mutual is confidential - starting to hate me. I imagine when one of my friends began to fight people, he imagined it was me he was punching - I am that hateable.

I want everyone to hate me, so I can die knowing no one will miss me and so joy can be brought to their lives when I do.

Do not think I am only considering suicide so that I can escape the pain; it is also so I can cease to burden anyone - my family, those who call me a friend, my tutor, my teachers, my fellow classmates, my followers, everyone I know... I want them to live freely and be able to be happier - this cannot happen when I am around, for I only upset people.

I want the world to be a better place, for other people's worlds to be a better place. But I cannot live to see it; my death will make their worlds better, because I am hateable.


	12. Chapter 12

Okay so I know, I know, I haven't updated in well over a month.

My depression and anxiety have been worsening, and I'm really not feeling well at all. I have a bit of writer's block for a lot of my stories, and recently, I've come close to ending my life several times. Two of these dates are October 3rd and October 9th.

Still, I am here - and I'm currently trash for Camp Camp. I'm writing fanfiction for it, but not a lot, as I haven't been feeling up to writing for a while now.

Anyway, a lot of stuff has been happening, and I'm struggling with writing.

Hopefully, I'll get some things done, like the 14th chapter of When the Darkness Comes, the 3rd chapter of I Guess No One's Perfect and some other fanfictions.

I don't want to go into detail about what's happened to me, but I've been triggered and harassed and hurt by many things and people. Luckily, it's half term, so I should be okay.

I'm distracting myself from this with Camp Camp, but each day of school has left me so tired, so hurt and so broken, I go home apathetic. I don't care, I don't feel, and I stay like that for a couple hours. It's scary, being so damaged that all emotion, positive and negative, has been stripped out of me.

But yeah - I'm alive, in case you were wondering.

Talking about being alive, I missed two days of school two weeks ago and everyone thought I'd killed myself. So yeah.

Anyway, have a good day.

I also have a name for myself. I don't identify as my birth name anymore (but my parents don't know, none of my family or friends' parents, or any adults outside school do), so those who know it, forget it. I go by Soul now and I'm non-binary (I use they/them pronouns). Some of my friends can't be arsed to use those pronouns or that name, but they're my only friends. I feel more comfortable with that name. So yeah - please use it when referring to me.

Thanks for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

Hey guys... I haven't been active for ages...

I've kind of moved? I will try to write here, but it'll be hard considering not all my works are fanfictions.

I have a new laptop so When the Darkness Comes' chapter is on a USB stick I've lost. And my other fanfictions.

Anyway, I started writing The Blood Series! Remember that? My book series? It has a Tumblr blog (it's literally the-blood-series with Tumblr and dot com at the end).

I'm also considering doing writing commissions (details over on the blog) so you guys can pay for me to write you shit! Yeah!

Apparently they're kind of underpriced? I don't know.

I'll probably be putting When the Darkness Comes onto Archive of Our Own? It'll be used as a reference for my writing in the edited commissions post.

Sorry for not updating, I feel so bad. A lot of stuff's been happening in my life so I just haven't had time. Feel free to talk to me via private messaging and Tumblr (my main is ihavenosoul12 by the way!) but I won't be so active anymore. I will do the occasional upload but not a lot.

Thank you for holding on!

~Soul.


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